This is a touchy subject for me. I haven’t been good at
making myself emotionally available. I find myself fearing judgement. I don’t
date much and I find the whole process to be infuriating. Dating has largely
turned into a mind game of showing just the right amount of interest to keep
someone coming back without showing too much and scaring them off. When I was
younger I used to put it all out there. I came on too strong a lot of times
(often alcohol induced). These instances and their outcomes often linger in my
mind when I think about meeting new people. I have largely limited my alcohol
consumption following the realization that I am a completely different person
(one whom I do not like) when I drink. I may be more fun and outgoing, but I
make poor decisions, become attention hungry and have found myself waking up
next to unintended partners on several occasions. Basically I become a loud,
obnoxious man-whore. While this seems to be valued by male culture and the
expectation is to get drunk and get laid, this really isn’t me. The issue comes
with the fact that I don’t find myself confident enough to meet women or put
myself out there when I’m sober. This is something I thought would change when
I lost weight. “If only I could get abs, then I’d be willing to put myself out
there”. Nope. I’m still the shy guy. The scary thing is that when you look how
you want to look and you still can’t put yourself out there and be vulnerable,
then you realize that the issue was never with your appearance, it was with
your emotions. I’m fit, but I’m not emotionally available… But I’m working on
it.
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