Disordered Eating:

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this before, but I have forced myself to vomit after large meals in the past. My sister has had struggles with bulimia in the past so as she reads this, I assume that this is going to be the first time that she hears about this. When I did this, it was usually after having a huge binge after having several good weeks of progress. This is not something that I have done in probably over a year, but somehow I figured that it was a good idea after eating a 2500 calorie “cheat meal” from 711. There are a lot of things in fitness culture that many would consider to be disordered eating. The use of pills, supplements, fasting, laxatives etc. All of these could be looked at as disordered eating behaviours. I can say that if I were examined by an eating disorder specialist, I would probably exhibit a few red flags. I am a proponent of intermittent fasting, I binge during my post work out meals, and I use stimulants (ephedrine and caffeine) to stave off hunger during my fasting periods. This being said, I do so in the healthiest way I can. I always start my binges with large quantities of vegetables, I don’t purge, I keep my fasts organized and make sure that I stay in a proper calorie range to keep from losing too much weight in a given week. I used to keep very meticulous food journals and weighed everything I ate. Now I find that guesstimating my calories is effective enough.

My question is where is the line drawn? At what point does dietary restriction and control become disordered? I once went vegan and was told months after stopping that my girlfriend and best friend were concerned that I had an eating disorder. This was weird to me because I wasn't thin. I ate lots. I always had an image of people with eating disorders being skin and bones like someone you’d find at a concentration camp.

When I was in high school, my sister was bulimic. She had no meat on her. Body image issues run in our family. We were raised by a father who was overweight (but is still the coolest and we love the heck outta him) and a mother who has a long history of yo-yo dieting (who is also super awesome and lovely) and has been employed as an aerobics instructor, a weight watchers leader, and a jenny craig saleswoman. We grew up constantly hearing about calories, weight loss, exercise, and marathon walks. I also heard that my grandmother put a lot of emphasis on being thin growing up. I don’t think that being overweight is hereditary in most cases. I also don’t think eating disorders are hereditary, BUT! I believe that if you’re going to learn an attitude towards food, it’s going to come from your environment. This is why I think my sister and I developed body image issues.

I love my sister. She is one of the most impressive people I have ever met. She has always been there for me and she’s overcome so much to get to where she is now. If I were to compare her now to where she was in high school to now, there would be two completely different people. While I never went through the things she went through, we were both the product of our environments (to an extent). It stemmed from our household, other kids at school being assholes, and our own expectations of ourselves. 

How do you break the chain? How does someone who exhibits symptoms of disordered eating teach their children not to do the same? Food is supposed to be enjoyable and nourishing, not something to be feared and calculated. My use of caffeine and ephedrine for reaching my goals can be summed up in one simple sentence. It turns food into math. You don’t care if you eat. You eat what you calculate as being appropriate. It turns eating from being a matter of willpower to being a matter of using your knowledge. “175 grams of deli meat at about 200 calories, plus 100 calories of raw vegetables, a half pound of fruit salad at about 150 calories, plus a low carb protein bar at 150 calories equals one post workout meal.” I may be undecided on whether I want children, but if I do have them, I don’t want them to see food like I do, but I also don’t want them to see them become overweight, not because there’s anything wrong with being overweight, but because I know what it’s like when your nickname is “Fatass”.